Act 1: The War Begins (Barely)
Trump’s opening declaration of war:
“Folks, we’re looking at something REALLY BIG. Maybe the biggest war ever, maybe not, I don’t know. People are saying. Could be easy, could be tough. But we have the BIGGEST bombs. The best bombs. Very strong. Amazing Ratings”
Immediate disasters:
- Trump announces war on Twitter before telling the Pentagon.
- The first airstrikes hit the wrong targets because Trump thinks “everything east of California is China.”
- “Why aren’t we using the stealthiest jets??” Trump demands all planes be painted matte black because he thinks it makes them invisible.
- Military commanders resign en masse within 48 hours. Trump replaces them with a committee of Truth Social influencers.
- The US forgets to evacuate Taiwan because Trump insists “they should defend themselves like the great cowboy movies!”
Act 2: The War Begins (But Xi Has No Idea What’s Happening)
Xi’s opening statement on state TV:
“The Party has always been victorious. We are victorious now. We will be victorious tomorrow. There is no war. Everything is normal. Do not look out your windows.”
Key screw-ups:
- Xi doesn’t actually know the war started—his advisors are too afraid to tell him because China’s leadership is a Kafkaesque bureaucratic disaster.
- The PLA (People’s Liberation Army) commanders give contradictory orders—some launch missiles, others send peace proposals, and one accidentally invades Vietnam instead of Taiwan.
- China’s hypersonic missiles miss their targets because someone used a 2003 pirated version of Windows XP in the guidance systems.
- The Chinese navy leaves port, but half their ships immediately break down because they were built with cheap domestic steel and glued together with nationalistic propaganda.
- Xi’s generals all pretend things are going fine while watching Taiwan’s defenses turn their invasion force into scrap metal.
- China’s “secret plan” is literally just an AI-generated strategy from Weibo, and it copy-pasted most of its ideas from a Call of Duty mission.
Act 2: “Slopes! Bombs! Winning!”
Trump, during a live press conference:
“I’m not saying we should N-word them. Not that N-word. The N-word N-word. You know the one. Nuke! But we could! I’m thinking. Just thinking! Not saying! But a lot of people are saying it!”
Racist Trump Highlights:
- Calls Xi Jinping “Egg Foo Dumb” on national TV.
- Says Chinese aircraft carriers are “like little toy boats from Chinatown” while giving orders.
- Rebrands the Pentagon’s military strategy as “Operation Kung Pow” before anyone can stop him.
- Live-tweets a secret military briefing because he doesn’t understand what “classified” means.
- Tells reporters, “I love Chinese food. So much. The best food. I have many Chinese friends. Fantastic people. But the slopes are being VERY NAUGHTY right now.”
Act 3: Xi Jinping Tries to Lead the War, Fails Spectacularly
Xi addressing his generals:
“We must be like water. Unfortunately, our aircraft carriers are also like water. This is a problem.”
Total incompetence highlights:
- Xi fires half his generals for telling him the truth, replacing them with party loyalists whose military experience comes from watching Wolf Warrior movies.
- China’s AI surveillance network crashes because a guy at Huawei accidentally ran a TikTok dance filter over satellite footage.
- Xi tries to call Biden, but the White House ignores him. He resorts to leaving angry voicemails:
- “Joe. Pick up. Joe. Come on, Joe. If you don’t pick up, we’re going to have to do the THING. You don’t want the THING, Joe. Okay, I tell you what, you give us Taiwan, I’ll give you—uh—one billion TikTok coins?”
- Xi announces that China will “win by outproducing the US”—then realizes Taiwan produces 90% of the world’s advanced semiconductors.
- Xi sends a 10,000-word speech to all Chinese soldiers—morale immediately collapses.
- China’s aircraft carrier fleet disappears… because Xi forced them to take an inefficient, secret route to “surprise” Taiwan, and they all ran out of fuel.
- A rogue Chinese general launches missiles at Guam… only to realize he actually hit a Chinese-owned casino in Macau.
Act 3: Trump Tries to Monetize the War
Trump during an Oval Office meeting:
“We should make China PAY for the bombs we drop! Like when you break a window, you have to pay! Tremendous idea, very smart, we’ll make trillions!”
Key economic failures:
- Trump trademarks the war name as “Trump’s Great China War™” and tries to license it for a Netflix deal.
- Sells exclusive war footage rights to a reality TV producer who launches “Bunker Buddies: The Trump White House”.
- Declares war bonds illegal and instead introduces “Trump War NFTs” that immediately collapse in value.
- Forces the military to use Trump-branded gear—camo uniforms are now gold-plated with “45” logos on the back.
- Announces “Chinese war reparations” before winning a single battle.
- Secretly offers to sell Taiwan to Elon Musk in exchange for a new casino on Mars.
Act 4: China’s Economy & War Effort Implode in Record Time
Xi addressing the Chinese people:
“Citizens, do not panic. Any rumors of total failure are false. By the way, if you are panicking, please report to your local re-education center for happy thoughts.”
Massive economic disasters:
- The US Navy blockades the Strait of Malacca—within three weeks, China runs out of oil.
- Factories shut down because there’s no imported coal, gas, or microchips—Xi blames “Western sabotage” while banning air conditioning to “boost national resilience.”
- Xi orders a military draft—80% of young Chinese men immediately flee to Canada.
- China’s own billionaires secretly sabotage the war—Jack Ma, thought to be disappeared, resurfaces in Singapore saying, “I told you so.”
- China runs out of food imports—Xi announces a “brilliant new diet plan” based on eating more rice husks and national pride.
- China’s currency collapses because it was never real in the first place.
- Xi bans stock market trading to “prevent panic”—this causes even more panic.
- A military factory gets caught producing fake missiles—it turns out the “weapons” were just metal tubes filled with soy mush, sold at full price through state corruption.
- People’s Daily newspaper reports “victory is imminent” even as Shanghai descends into Mad Max-style biker gangs fighting over frozen dumplings.
Act 4: Micromanaging the Military Like a Failing McDonald’s
Trump to the Joint Chiefs:
“Why do we need SO MANY generals? How hard can war be? It’s like Monopoly, right?”
Key strategy disasters:
- Demands a new “Trump Elite Trooper Force” made up of ex-Proud Boys, UFC fighters, and Kid Rock fans.
- Forces fighter pilots to play Top Gun theme music over their comms.
- Insists the Space Force should “laser beam” the Chinese navy despite being told that lasers don’t work like that.
- Orders nukes to be launched but gets distracted by a McDonald’s ad and forgets.
- Says “The soldiers should be more like 300,” forcing the Pentagon to train shirtless, oil-covered Spartan cosplay troops.
- Fires a five-star general on live TV because the guy wasn’t “cool enough” and didn’t have a hot wife.
Act 5: The World Abandons the US
Trump to foreign leaders:
“Why is everyone so MAD? We’re WINNING! We’re very strong. Very bigly strong! In fact, I think we should be the ones getting sanctions! Wait, no, not that. What was I saying?”
Allies NOPING out:
- The EU cuts ties completely, calling Trump a “strategic meltdown in human form.”
- Japan signs a secret peace deal with China just to get away from Trump.
- The UK government collapses because Parliament laughs itself into collective cardiac arrest.
- The Philippines officially changes its name to “Nopeistan” and refuses all US calls.
- Australia blocks all US military access and threatens to arrest any American wearing a MAGA hat.
Act 6: Trump Loses the War and Blames… Taylor Swift?
Trump on Truth Social:
“THE CHINA WAR—A RIGGED WAR! CROOKED MILITARY, CROOKED GENERALS, AND VERY FAKE LOYALTY. I BLAME THE WOKE MOB! AND TAYLOR SWIFT! SAD!”
Endgame insanity:
- The US economy collapses, but Trump calls it “the most tremendous collapse in history” and takes credit for it.
- Trump demands an “executive war mulligan” like it’s a golf game.
- The military forcibly removes him from the Oval Office, but he barricades himself in with Big Macs and Diet Coke.
- He flees to North Korea, hoping Kim Jong-un will make him a co-dictator.
- Kim immediately arrests him.
- The war ends after the US formally surrenders to the concept of reality.
Final Verdict:
This wouldn’t just be a historical disaster—it would be a Hall of Fame, Guinness World Record-level catastrophe. If Napoleon and Hitler had a war baby, and that war baby had lead poisoning, it would still do a better job than Trump. It ends with two massive superpowers tripping over their own shoelaces while Taiwan, Japan, and the EU stand off to the side watching the circus.
China collapses first because:
- The military is 70% corruption, 30% nationalism, and 0% competence.
- The economy was already a house of cards, and war just kicks it over.
- Xi is too paranoid to listen to anyone, so he fires all the competent people and replaces them with guys who just nod a lot.
This timeline?
- Absolute maximum chaos.
- Every enemy wins by default.
- The world never stops laughing.
- Taiwan wins by default—no one is left to invade them.
- Japan takes over world leadership, but does so politely.
- Europe builds a 100-foot wall to keep America and China away.
- Putin dies laughing watching this unfold from his bunker.
- Elon Musk declares himself President of Mars.
- The last remaining currency is Bitcoin and McDonald’s coupons.
And the best part? Trump wouldn’t even realize he lost.
Trump (from prison):
“FOLKS, WE ACTUALLY WON. YOU DON’T KNOW IT YET. BUT IT WAS A HUGE WIN. TRUST ME. MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING. IT WAS THE BEST LOSS, MAYBE EVEN BETTER THAN A WIN! HISTORY BOOKS WILL SAY SO!”