Washington, D.C. – December 8, 2024
In a bold show of support for free enterprise and the American Dream, the Proud Boys have officially declared Brian Thompson, the late CEO of UnitedHealthcare, a “Real American Hero” and a martyr in the fight against far-left extremism. Gathering at their national headquarters in Washington, D.C., leaders of the group condemned what they described as “a targeted campaign of violence and intimidation against capitalism.”
A Symbol of Capitalism’s Triumph
Thompson, who was tragically assassinated in New York City earlier this week, is being hailed by the group as the embodiment of American capitalism. “Brian Thompson wasn’t just a CEO,” proclaimed Proud Boys spokesperson Travis “Steelheart” McClane at a press conference. “He was a warrior for free markets, for innovation, and for everything that makes this country great. The fact that he was attacked shows how desperate the far-left has become.”
The group’s leadership distributed glossy posters depicting Thompson in a heroic pose, surrounded by the American flag, with the slogan “A Hero for the Free Market, a Victim of Tyranny.” Members also pledged to launch a campaign to have a statue of Thompson erected in front of the UnitedHealthcare corporate headquarters.
Defending America’s True Values
The Proud Boys argue that the assassination of Thompson, whom they call a “patriot and job creator,” is the latest evidence of a dangerous escalation in political violence by far-left radicals. “The so-called ‘Adjuster’ is nothing more than a terrorist, a tool of socialism designed to destabilize our economy,” McClane asserted. “But we won’t let these Marxists tear down our heroes.”
In an unprecedented move, the group has announced “Operation Free Market Shield,” a grassroots initiative aimed at defending the families of corporate executives, bolstering security at corporate offices, and launching public campaigns to educate Americans on the virtues of capitalism. “We’ll guard every boardroom in America if we have to,” vowed one member, his black-and-gold uniform freshly pressed.
Criticism of Public Sentiment
The Proud Boys are also taking aim at what they perceive as the glorification of the assassin, who has become known as “The Adjuster” and has gained a following online. “This isn’t just about one deranged Marxist,” said McClane. “This is about an ideology that despises success, despises ambition, and despises anyone who dares to dream bigger.”
The group announced plans to lobby for stronger penalties for what they describe as “anti-capitalist hate crimes,” arguing that Thompson’s assassination is a wake-up call for lawmakers to take the safety of America’s job creators seriously.
March for Free Enterprise
The Proud Boys are organizing a national “March for Free Enterprise” to honor Thompson’s memory and to stand against what they describe as “the creeping tide of Woke and Social Marxism.” The march, scheduled to take place next month in New York City, will culminate at the site of Thompson’s assassination, which they are petitioning to have renamed “Capitalism’s Crossroads.”
“We will not rest until Brian Thompson’s legacy is honored,” McClane declared, his voice quivering with emotion. “He gave his life for the very system that gives all of us a chance to succeed. If that’s not a hero, then I don’t know what is.”
A Divisive Legacy
While the Proud Boys’ efforts have been praised by some conservative commentators, others have criticized their actions as inflammatory and divisive. Critics argue that lionizing a corporate CEO amidst the growing public outcry over the healthcare system could deepen societal rifts.
Still, the Proud Boys remain undeterred. “The Maoist far-left wants to paint us as villains,” McClane said. “But history will remember Brian Thompson as a hero, and it will remember us as the men who stood by his side.”
As the nation watches this peculiar chapter in modern American history unfold, one thing is certain: the debate over Brian Thompson’s legacy and the role of capitalism in society is far from over.