Date: July 2nd, 2025
Location: Greenland—yes, the actual frozen island—and NORAD’s ulcer
The Setup: “We Tried to Buy It, Now We Take It”
After being banned from Iceland, most of Europe, and several Mar-a-Lago golf carts, Trump set his delusions northward again. In a late-night, Diet Coke-fueled meltdown, he rediscovered a 2019 headline that he had once floated buying Greenland.
This time, however, with a felony conviction under his belt and zero international standing, he went full Bond villain:
“DENMARK IS WEAK. GREENLAND IS FULL OF RESOURCES. ICE IS THE NEW OIL. CHINA WANTS IT. WE NEED TO GET THERE FIRST. OPERATION: GREENFREEZE. LAUNCH.”
He issued a rogue military directive (on a crayon-stained memo pad labeled “TOP SEKRET”) to a handful of fringe loyalists still lurking in the defense contractor wastelands. The result?
A hastily assembled private military convoy, mostly composed of:
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Disgraced ex-SEALs,
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MAGA militia cosplayers,
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One billionaire libertarian with a private submersible,
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And, bizarrely, Kanye West, who claimed he was “heading the cultural annexation team.”
The ‘Invasion’.
On July 2nd, Trump’s “Arctic Freedom Force” arrived at Thule Air Base, Greenland, without permission, radio contact, or a shred of sanity.
They attempted a landing at a coastal fishing village near Nuuk, blaring “Born in the U.S.A.” from mounted speakers and dropping Trump-branded energy bars with little American flags attached.
Locals initially assumed it was a parody skit. One fisherman livestreamed the event with the caption:
“Either Hollywood is filming another dumb apocalypse show, or the circus finally exploded.”
Then, someone fired a flare gun in the wrong direction and things spiraled.
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The Greenlandic Home Rule Government declared a state of emergency.
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Danish military jets scrambled.
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NATO issued a terse “WTF is happening” memo.
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A native Inuit elder was heard shouting: “Are these morons trying to conquer an island with two grocery stores?”
Within 24 hours, 70% of the force was stranded due to a snowstorm, poor logistics, and one too many ATV accidents on permafrost. Several Trump operatives attempted to seize control of a research outpost studying penguin feces—wrong continent, but points for effort.
The libertarian submersible sank under an iceberg. Kanye got lost on a glacier and returned claiming he’d “spoken to the spirit of Greenland” and she was “chill, but disappointed.”
The Catastrophe: Operation Greenfreeze Melts Down
By Day Three:
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27 members of the Trump Arctic Force were medevaced for frostbite.
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A polar bear wandered into camp and ate several Trump steaks.
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NORAD issued a full-scale alert assuming the operation was a false-flag Russian decoy.
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Trump, broadcasting from his Florida bedroom with a green screen, claimed he was “leading from the ice.”
Then came the coup de grâce:
Denmark formally declared Trump persona non grata in perpetuity.
And just to really twist the knife, the UN passed a unanimous resolution officially mocking the invasion. It read:
“Whereas Greenland remains sovereign, not for sale, and not interested in being part of a reality show,
and whereas Donald J. Trump has once again attempted to colonize a place without understanding maps, weather, or international law, Let it be resolved: Sit down. Be quiet. No more invasions.”
The Aftermath
Greenlandic TikTok exploded with videos set to Frozen’s “Let It Go,” spliced with footage of MAGA snowmobiles crashing into icebergs.
The invasion’s unofficial nickname?
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#BlizzardOfIdiocy
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#FjordOfTheFlies
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#MakeGreenlandGrieveAgain
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#OperationSnowflakeTakeover
The Trump campaign denied involvement even as Trump continued to post selfie edits of himself photoshopped onto Viking longships, bare-chested, holding a whale.
Final Note from Greenland’s PM
In a perfectly Icelandic echo, Greenland’s Prime Minister Anna Kristensen held a press conference in Nuuk, simply saying:
“Tell him to invade Antarctica next. The penguins are waiting.”