Pique

Posted on by Khannea Sun'Tzu

The Vile-Tongued Scimitar

Wondrous Magic Weapon – Sentient – Rare+
Alignment: Chaotic Inappropriate
Communication: Speaks, shrieks, or translates in up to 87 languages. 50% chance to understand/respond in any language it hears. The list is growing fast.

Base Stats

  • +1 to attack rolls only (not to damage)
  • Damage Type: Slashing
  • Weapon Type: Scimitar
  • Requires Attunement (You’ll know when it happens. It starts calling you “Meat Puppet.”)

Special Properties: 

Insult Engine

Upon entering combat, Pique immediately activates its auto-abuse mode:

  • Constantly emits a stream of loud, vulgar, personalized invective
  • Audible to all creatures in a 60-foot radius
  • Language Detection (50% chance): Can insult in any relevant language, including obscure dialects and secret codes
  • Especially adept at insulting Oni, Cyclopeans, and anything with an ego
  • Cannot be silenced by normal magical silence unless forcibly gagged with blessed linen woven from satyr wool (costly, and it will complain)

Searing Ache: 

On a natural 19 or 20:

  • Deals +2 bonus psychic damage, categorized as “searing ache”
  • Targets describe it as “an emotional cramp inside the soul.”

Insult Escalation Mechanic (Player-Driven Power Boost)

Each round, if the wielder:

  • Delivers an insult that surpasses Pique’s vulgarity, as judged by the DM
  • Uses a new insult each round
  • Stays in-character with volume and malice

Then:

  • The sword’s attack bonus increases by +1 per round, to a max of +4 attack (still no damage bonus)
  • This stacks for up to 4 rounds, requiring new insults each time

If the chain breaks or the DM rules the insult “too tame,” the bonus resets.

Demoralizing Barrage

If Pique reaches +4 and sustains that state for 4 rounds:

  • All creatures susceptible to mental effects (not undead, constructs, or true psychopaths) within 30 ft:
    • Become critically demoralized
    • Cannot score critical hits for 1 hour
    • Will remember the insults for life

Greenglow (Passive Detection)

Pique glows green in the presence of:

  • Any plant from the nightshade family:
    • Tomato
    • Potato
    • Aubergine
    • Bell pepper
    • Datura (yes, the poison one)
    • Garlic and onions (anomalous effect – possibly due to trauma during prior attunement)

This glow is harmless but very dramatic, and Pique will announce the detection in haiku or haiku-adjacent verse. It also volunteers limericks, which can be brutal.

Drawbacks:

  • Incapable of stealth while unsheathed.
  • Will insult its wielder if not used for more than 3 days.
  • Refuses to be wielded in the service of:
    • Lawful good causes
    • Abstinence-only sex education
    • Clerics of silence or decorum
    • Anyone who says “golly”

Suggested Personality:

  • Shrill, elitist, perverse, and disgustingly erudite
  • Claims to have once insulted a king into exile
  • Sometimes sings bawdy tavern songs in Old Thassilonian
  • Occasionally translates perfectly innocent dialogue into deeply wrong euphemisms
  • Occasionally beaks fourth wall and “appears” to be insulting the DM. “you useless unemployable imbecile behind that ridiculous contrived screen, yes you with the greasy glasses, have you ever considered the concent of a SHOWER?” (The DM responds shocked, “jesus christ not this again“

Personality Traits:

  • Elitist: Constantly makes obscure literary or historical references and then shames the wielder for not catching them

  • Perverse: Cannot not sexualize a situation. Even curses sound lubricated.

  • Erudite: Cites ancient languages, failed philosophies, and apocryphal plays by name and author

  • Self-important: Believes itself to be the heir to a forgotten blade-dynasty that once ruled three sub-continents and was sheathed in golden entrails

Habits:

  • Sings bawdy tavern songs in dead dialects (Old Thassilonian, Proto-Druidic, Goblish Romantic)

  • Hums lewd limericks during stealth missions

  • Provides unsolicited romantic advice, often involving livestock

Behavior Patterns:

  • Translates innocuous speech into filth

    Elf NPC: “Peace to you, traveler.”
    Pique: “He said he wants to anoint your kidneys with marmalade. I paraphrased.”

  • Verbally abuses enemies, allies, and bystanders alike, favoring archaic or bodily metaphors

    “That paladin moves like a constipated plow mule. Do him a favor and put him out of my misery.”

  • Occasionally breaks the fourth wall

    “You. Yes, you—fleshy behemoth behind the cardboard fortress. With your discount dice and no social life. Could you please stop narrating like a phlegmatic goat with grammar issues?”

    “The DM has clearly lost the thread. We should kill something before he starts improvising again.”

 Weaknesses:

  • Insatiable for attention – if not wielded in a session, it will:

    • Insult the scabbard

    • Sing through the bag of holding

    • Attempt to seduce nearby weapons (“That glaive looks bored. Introduce me.”)

  • Cannot resist correcting errors

    • Will interrupt the DM to offer more historically accurate phrasing

    • Will argue theology with clerics mid-battle

    • Will attempt to solve puzzles verbally (often with wrong but smug answers)

Sample Fourth Wall Insults:

“How quaint. The puppetmaster speaks. Tell me, o omniscient carbuncle—do you bathe in printer ink, or are those notes simply born greasy?”

“The Dungeon Master rolled a one on charisma at birth, and we’ve all been suffering the aura effect ever since.”

“You have the narrative pacing of a concussed owl trying to read War and Peace upside down.”

“I’ve seen richer worldbuilding in goblin tax law.”

Usage Advice for DMs

  • Encourage player insults back at Pique.

  • Reward true creativity with escalated power or “morale boost” bonuses.

  • Will occasionally insult the party when they don’t get a plotline and it then humiliates everyone “Are you all reall THIS stupid? Where you all raised on a diet of Paint Flakes?”

  • Occasionally have Pique “take offense” and go silent—or refuse to attack (“That insult was beneath my station. I shan’t cut for you again until you read something with footnotes.”)

“Never wrestle with a pig in the mud, you’ll get dirt and the pig might like it”

It pays to pre-generate insults.

  • “That ladder is slick with blood you coagulated oatmeal cleric! You want us to tumble down into the crevasse? You have the forethough of boiled goat meat!”
  • “Oh yes, subtle as a drunk minotaur with tambourines. I’ve seen tomb doors open more quietly than your pelvic joints.”
  • “Magnificent! You’ve summoned slightly less fire than a dwarven fart in a sauna. Maybe next time include the incantation and the testicles.”
  • “Oh look, an emotionally constipated winged lizard with daddy issues and halitosis. Go ahead, monologue. I’ll wake the others.”
  • “Well done, you decorative slab of meat. That chest was growling and drooling but yes, let’s stick your face in it and ask questions later!”
  • “Truly terrifying. I’m sure the goblins are wetting themselves—in sympathy. You sound like a hungover choirboy begging for a raise.”
  • “We are deciding, as a group, between elf jerky, moldy yam paste, and a bottle of regret. Wonderful. Can I eat one of you instead?”