Cosplaying relevance while sliding into irrelevance.
Picture of Julia Ioffe added only because of her
priceless expression of disdain and seething
contempt. No other reason.
She didn't write this article.
Once, there was a ‘country’ that dreamed of greatness—or at least of dragging the rest of the world down into the mud with it. Today, that country, now unworthy even of proper capitalization, finds itself fumbling for a way out of its self-made abyss. ‘russia,’ if you can still call it that, is trying to convince the world it’s a kinder, gentler nation. But like a drunk stumbling out of a bar at 3 a.m., it’s fooling no one. Let’s explore the farce.
1. Extraditions Galore: The Hague Will Need Entire Suburbs
Imagine a global manhunt targeting thousands—if not tens or hundreds of thousands—of ‘russian’ nationals for war crimes, crimes against humanity, and general barbarism. Every tank driver, officer, propagandist, and oligarch with blood on their hands will face extradition demands.
This isn’t just a few big-name trials. This is a wholesale international dragnet. Interpol will need its own ‘russian’ division to process the sheer volume of suspects. Local courts across the globe might get in on the fun too. Think about the future: disgraced generals arrested during vacations in Turkey, propagandists sweating it out in Buenos Aires airports, and oligarch yachts seized in Monaco—again.
And while the world demands justice, what will ‘russia’ do? Descend into a Kafkaesque panic, of course. Entire ministries will shift focus from governance to shredding incriminating documents, while bureaucrats hastily Photoshop vacation photos to claim they were “nowhere near Mariupol.” Lawyers will become the country’s hottest profession—assuming they’re not already fleeing to Lithuania.
Meanwhile, The Hague will need to expand. Forget just one tribunal; they’ll need entire neighborhoods of courtrooms, complete with coffee shops and housing for international lawyers. Welcome to the new industry of post-war accountability: job creation, courtesy of ‘russia’s’ crimes.
2. Ukraine’s Hostile Border: From Fortress to Art Installation
On the other side of this clown show lies Ukraine—furious, thriving, and deeply committed to making ‘russia’ regret its existence for centuries to come. Ukraine’s new border won’t just be hostile—it’ll be a militarized dystopia worthy of dystopian fiction.
Let’s talk razor-wire fences that gleam in the sunlight like teeth, fields of landmines as far as the eye can see, and sensors so advanced they can probably detect a ‘russian’ accent from 20 kilometers away. On the ground, there will be concrete barriers bristling with sniper towers, and overhead, drones armed with infrared cameras and rockets will patrol like mechanized angels of vengeance.
But the real masterpiece will be Ukraine’s propaganda offensive. Every highway billboard facing ‘russia’ will feature slogans like “Get Out, Stay Out” or “Sanctions: Brought to You by Us.” Schoolchildren will learn their ABCs through rhymes about how terrible ‘russia’ is. National holidays will commemorate victories over ‘russian’ forces, complete with fireworks and effigies of Putin being torched in public squares.
And let’s not forget the border guards. These will be some of the most battle-hardened soldiers on the planet, each one personally motivated by years of war, loss, and trauma. Every patrol will be a reminder to ‘russia’ that Ukraine doesn’t forgive and certainly doesn’t forget.
3. No Reinvestment for ‘russia’; Ukraine’s Boomtown Renaissance
While Ukraine embarks on a rebuilding spree rivaling post-war Germany, ‘russia’ will be stuck in economic purgatory. Investors will flock to Ukraine’s gleaming new cities, rebuilt roads, and modernized infrastructure. It’ll be a feeding frenzy of Western capital, with grants, loans, and private investments pouring in to turn Ukraine into the jewel of Eastern Europe.
Meanwhile, in ‘russia,’ the economy will be so stagnant it might as well be embalmed. With sanctions still choking every major industry, foreign investors will avoid the country like the plague. The oligarchs won’t reinvest because they’ll be too busy hoarding wealth or fleeing to Dubai. Small businesses won’t flourish because corruption will suck every last ruble out of the system. Even China will treat ‘russia’ like a discount gas station: useful, but not respectable.
And the numbers will tell the story. Ukraine’s GDP will soar, fueled by agricultural exports, tech innovation, and sheer goodwill from its Western allies. ‘russia’s’ GDP, meanwhile, will shrink faster than its credibility. In the global economy, ‘russia’ will be a has-been gas station trying to compete with an electric vehicle revolution.
4. NATO’s Glorious Win: Democracy in Russia’s Back Yard
For NATO, Ukraine’s rise will be a geopolitical jackpot. Every new missile defense system installed on Ukrainian soil will be a reminder to ‘russia’ that its dreams of empire are over. NATO will station troops just close enough to the border to make every ‘russian’ general nervous, but far enough to enjoy the view of Ukraine’s booming cities.
And let’s talk military innovation. Ukraine, armed to the teeth with the latest NATO tech, will become a fortress of freedom. Its military will be modernized, professional, and ready to counter any threat, ensuring that ‘russia’ remains boxed in like a cornered rat.
But the real victory will be ideological. Ukraine will stand as a shining example of democracy, transparency, and resilience, a living testament to what happens when a nation refuses to bow to tyranny. For ‘russia,’ watching this unfold will be like having its nose rubbed in its own failure—daily.
5. Misery in ‘russia’: Where Dreams Go to Die
And then there’s ‘russia,’ where despair has become a national pastime.
- Brain Drain: The country’s brightest minds have fled, leaving behind a workforce of underpaid laborers, corrupt officials, and conspiracy theorists who think Wi-Fi causes infertility.
- Health Catastrophes: HIV? One in ten. Tuberculosis? Endemic. Alcoholism? Practically a state religion. Life expectancy will continue to plummet, with the average citizen aging faster than their crumbling infrastructure.
- Collapsing Infrastructure: Roads will become death traps. Bridges will collapse with alarming regularity. Power outages will be so frequent that candles might make a comeback as a primary light source.
- Despair and Magical Thinking: With nothing left to believe in, the population will retreat into delusions—whether about Stalin’s ghost or miracle cures sold by televangelists. It’ll be a renaissance of superstition and vodka-fueled nihilism.
6. The Only Way Out: A Cosplay of Liberalization
The Kremlin’s master plan? Pretend to change. Putin might “retire” to one of his mansions—each more luxurious than the last—while the government announces superficial reforms. There will be rigged elections, hollow promises, and staged press conferences, all designed to fool a West that’s long since stopped caring.
But let’s call it what it is: cosplay. No one will buy it, but the Kremlin will hope that by wearing a mask of reform, it can coax some desperate countries into lifting sanctions. Meanwhile, nationalist propaganda will ramp up, convincing the dwindling population that their misery is a patriotic duty.
7. Conclusion: A Kinder, Gentler Collapse
And so, ‘russia’ lumbers on, a failed state playing dress-up, while Ukraine soars into the future. For every NATO base and Ukrainian factory, there will be a collapsing bridge or propaganda broadcast back in ‘russia.’
Here’s to a kinder, gentler ‘russia.’ May it rot in peace, one hollow gesture at a time.
Now here’s to me hoping I won’t up with a case of sudden onset “Butthurt Novichok”!