New York City, NY – December 8, 2024
In an unprecedented and utterly bizarre turn of events, the Board of Directors for UnitedHealth Insurance Corporation has released a statement regarding the recent assassination of their CEO, Brian Thompson. The statement, which reads more like a script from The Sopranos than a corporate memo, has left legal experts, shareholders, and the public dumbfounded.
Delivered via fax to major news outlets with no official corporate letterhead, the statement quickly went viral, sparking a frenzy of memes, media speculation, and public outrage.
“That Fanook Had It Coming”
The statement begins by confirming Brian Thompson’s death but takes an unexpected turn, laced with colorful invective:
“Yeah, we had Brian offed. That zoccola was skimming off the top of the heroin sales—we ain’t stupid, we noticed. That stronzo some underage kids turning tricks on the side, the sick finoccio. And, oh yeah, let’s not forget, he was banging Vinnie’s wife behind our backs. What kinda figlio di puttana thinks he can pull that off? He even got spotted in some queer joint down Fifth Avenue, sipping appletinis like a goddamn clown.”
The board’s use of accusations—both criminal and bizarrely personal—reads like a caricature of mobster logic. From vague references to meth smuggling to wildly homophobic insinuations, the statement leaves no room for subtlety.
Threats to Law Enforcement
The statement takes an even darker turn when addressing the New York Police Department’s investigation into Thompson’s death and the elusive killer known as “The Adjuster”:
“Listen here, vaffanculo cagna popo, The Adjuster is our guy. You don’t touch him, you hear? He did us a solid, and he’s off-limits. Try and lay a finger on him, and we’ll works you over with a lead pipe so hard your grandkids’ll feel it. Capisce? We ain’t playin’. Don’t be no wiseguys, you Brooklyn skel, or you’ll regret it.”
The casual mix of crude threats and overtly homophobic slurs has left many questioning not only the sanity of the statement but whether it could possibly be real.
Outrage and Confusion
Reaction to the statement has been swift and harsh, with shareholders reportedly scrambling to distance themselves from the corporation. Legal experts have called it a “masterclass in self-incrimination.” Professor Abigail Lawrence of NYU’s School of Corporate Law remarked, “If this is real, we’re witnessing the single most baffling corporate meltdown in history. If it’s fake, someone deserves an Emmy for satire.”
Others have speculated whether the fax might have been sent by a rogue board member or someone impersonating the board. However, a UnitedHealth spokesperson confirmed—somewhat sheepishly—that the statement is, indeed, genuine.
A Corporate Meltdown
The statement concludes with a final, incoherent rant, apparently directed at reporters:
“We’re the motherfuckin capos here. Not you, not the cops, not the vaffa media crying about morality. We do what we want, when we want, and no freakin’ pencil-pusher or tweeter is gonna tell us otherwise. This is business, and in business, you cut the dead weight. Thompson was a rat, plain and simple. He’s lucky he didn’t get worse. Now scram, or you’ll wish you had.”
The closing line—“Now scram”—has already become a viral meme, used to mock the board’s tone-deaf response.
Reactions From Experts and Public
The bizarre nature of the statement has sparked a media frenzy, with some outlets questioning its authenticity and others treating it as a grim glimpse into the inner workings of corporate America. Meanwhile, activists and public figures have decried the homophobic and misogynistic undertones, calling for investigations into UnitedHealth.
“It’s hard to believe this isn’t satire,” said consumer advocate Ralph Nader. “But if it’s real, it’s a chilling indictment of how detached from reality corporate leaders have become.”
Public opinion has been equally split, with some expressing outrage while others find dark humor in the debacle. A popular tweet summed it up:
“UnitedHealth: ‘We’re a professional organization dedicated to your health and well-being. Also UnitedHealth: Brian was skimming heroin sales, so we whacked him. #NowScram’”
What’s Next?
While the NYPD has declined to comment on the threats, sources within the department indicate they are taking the statement seriously. UnitedHealth, meanwhile, faces mounting pressure from shareholders to clarify their position and distance themselves from the scandal.
For now, the corporation’s bizarre statement stands as an unparalleled moment in American corporate history—part mob confession, part fever dream, and wholly absurd. As the public waits for answers, one thing is certain: the fallout from Brian Thompson’s death has only just begun.